I’m still recovering!! Still!! 5 weeks since it all began with elrow and 2 weeks since it finished at Classic Ibiza!!
It’s a slow slow road. I can’t just have a couple of early night then be ready to go again. See there is 2 issues with being so busy…..
Brain & physical fatigue
I tried to explain brain fatigue and I really struggle to. So here goes……..
Imagine your head as a roundabout. There are 6 exits leading to sleep, anger, happiness, problem solving, hunger & relationships. Now all the drivers know exactly where they are heading, all use their indicators, the traffic lights all work and the traffic flows smoothly (no brain injury).
Now now think of the holidays when all the tourists are in you town, city village and they where they are going, they travel slow, take wrong turns, indicating one way going another, to top it off there has been a massive electrical short and the traffic lights don’t work (brain injury). Eventually everything is going to come to a standstill.
I’ve got holidaymakers on my roundabout, the locals, every road on & off the roundabout is down to one lane due to roadworks and to top it off the traffic lights are intermittent, sometimes not working at all. Like the past couple of weeks.
Which then has the knock on effect to my physical abilities and rehab.
Because of all the new sites, destinations, environments, crowded areas, the fields I’ve walked on my, my brain is working overtime. I’m constantly assessing the ground I’m walking on, so I keep my balance & don’t fall over. Making sure that people give me room to move or just see my walking stick so I don’t trip them up or worse they knock my stick away and I fall over. Where there is where I can sit down. Where the disabled toilets are. I could go on but my mind is blank. As I tire then my speech gets affected. I start to stutter and loose whole words and sentences. Then I get angry and upset with myself and cry lots.
Then the the is the physical, my energy, my strength,my posture. The extra strain that is put on my hips, my left shoulder (which I’m still receiving physio for) and arm, my left knee, my feet and my back. Why all this…..ok. My left hip, knee, foot because most my body weight goes through that side. I start the day walking as correctly as I can but as I get tired my posture changes dramatically. I start hitching my right leg to walk. So I start leaning more to the left to compensate and “swing” my leg through. Then I’m then leaning on the walking stick more, gripping it tightly, pushing pressure up through my shoulder. I do everything with my left arm. From putting underwear on to pulling myself up off the floor. When you haven’t got the energy it makes tings bloody hard.
That then plays with my emotions. I “hulk out” as Deb calls it. I get angry because I can’t do things. I can’t sleep even though I’m tired. I start crying because I should be doing things and I can’t. I should be better than this and I’m not. I then get frustrated that I have to accept help or just sit there doing nothing and leaving everything to Deb.
And round and round we go. Then just for shits and giggles we will add in that my rehab is suffering because I went and had some fun. Then Mr & Mrs Physio (Helen &James) are going to be disappointed in me for not doing more and feel like I’m wasting their time.
So some out there might be thinking……..if you have to battle with all the that then don’t do it.
I say to them for me right now this is my full time job. And like the employed out there I need a break, a change of scene. Just like you take holiday from your job. I took holiday from rehab. Don’t get me wrong I’m paying for it. Maybe even put myself back a bit. That sucks big time, but the enjoyment I had out weighs it. Even if I have struggled with sleep, emotions, function and can’t get my brain and my right hand to connect much at the moment. Everyday for me is rehab in one way or another.
I can’t stop doing things because of the challenges I have. Next time they won’t be in succession like that. I’ll spread them out better. I’ve learnt a lot about myself over these few weeks and recognise when I need to slow it down more.
I don’t if this will make sense but I’ve published it now……………..oh well.