March & April

Hey there,

How are people doing?

I’ll be honest. I’ve had a difficult time. I’m in a dark dip.

I look around am I am truley blessed to have the the people around me that I do. My partner her children, family & friends but are they lucky to have me? I feel like I hold them back, limit things that can be done, a burden and at the same time not get invited to things either due to my disabilities.

I have a dark dip every year in the build up to my birthday in April. It’s hard to explain really. I’m happy as it’s been my birthday but also a reminder that I nearly didn’t have another birthday. As it was a decade birthday (yep it was the big 40) it has made the dark dip longer, deeper stronger than before. That dip carries on into May as that is the anniversary of Claire 2.0.

People say that I shouldn’t think of what happened and just think of the future. The thing is with the  darkness I know it’s coming, I know I’m going to hit a low and think of all kinds of ways to prevent it but it is like the flu jab. You are given last year’s strain to give your body time to build the anti-bodies against this year’s flu but this year’s flu is different and has new tricks to play and way’s to infiltrate your immune system. Well that is what my depression and anxiety do to me.

In the blue corner we have Claire in the Red corner we have the cunning Tag Team Anxession!!!!

People have also said that you do become your thoughts. I try not to be my thoughts. Self esteem has packed their bags and ****ed off. Not even leaving a contact number! My course is going nowhere right now. I have no belief that I can achieve it. That I can be successful. It’s all too hard. Focus is shocking. The only focus I have at the moment is physio & my PT as I have to pay for them and I get a sense of achievement, even if it is short lived.

Right I’m going to go now. Enough misery for now.

Laters 💋