As it is World Mental Health day I thought I would share my mental health difficulties with you all.
I suffer with depression, anxiety, lack of short term memory, disphasia, aphasia, low self esteem and feel like a burden 75% of each day.
I have suffered with depression in waves for most of my adult life. Now since my aneurysm rupture it is attached to me constantly and now has introduced its friends anxiety and low self esteem to join the party.
People tell you that you are an inspiration. That you have come so far., but……..
- When your life changes over night and you had no control of it, no warning signs and you suddenly need help to do everything.
- When your independence is a lot harder.
- When you have to take so many photos of places you go, things you do because you have no short term memory.
- When your talking to people and you can’t remember what you were going to/have said.
- When you can’t think of words, or take longer to process information due to aphasia and disphasia.
- When you upset people and can’t remember what you said /did/happened.
- When somewhere new and anxiety takes over, you sweat so much, start stammering (post brain injury), shake, struggle to speak/explain where you need to be.
- When you feel like people don’t want to do things with you because it takes extra due to walking issues.
- When your mentality has changed and you get really angry at the flick of a switch with no warning so as to remove yourself from the situation to calm down and scare loved ones.
- When people say they need a break and you don’t get to have a break.
- When you can’t sleep. No matter what you try.
- When every big headache you get you fear that’s its happening all over again.
- When an environment gets noisey, there are flashing lights, you can’t hear anything and you scared.
- When you feel like no one wants you to be there.
You don’t feel like an inspiration. You can’t see how far you have come.
You feel like a burden. No one around you signed up to this. Your partner and family didn’t sign up to this. It feels like groundhog day everyday.
Every day is a challenge. What is my day going to be like. Is my brain and body going to work as a team today. How much brain fatigue do you have today. Can you get through the day? Are even going to make it from the bedroom to the sofa?
Some days I don’t even want to have a shower/wash make any effort. What’s the point? Who cares?
Sometimes the glass is half full? Sometimes it’s empty. Sometimes it’s full but it doesn’t stay full all day. No matter now hard I try.