End of the year

I was very slack and didn’t do many diary entries in the first few months of coming out of hospital. It was a very hard time for me we were living in every parents front room and don’t get me wrong I am so grateful for what they have done for us but at the time it wasn’t our own home. But now we do have our own home and now we can build a new memories. 

I had many arguments with Debbie as of what over why she decided to stay  with me when she could have just left and had a normal life and that had to put up with doing so much for me. I don’t think either of us actually really believed at how hard it was going to be. It wasn’t just the fact I’ve had the Brain injury but also that I am having to learn to use my right hand side of my body again.

Debbie’s dad David has been amazing he’s been my personal taxi service to my physio appointment my OT appointments and anywhere else that I needed to go in between. That’s really hard to deal with when you’re such an independent person but then you want to go anywhere or do anything you have to rely on someone.

I’ve had a few falls the first one was literally the next day after leaving hospital lost my balance and fell into washing pile. And Debbie’s parents having to help me up because I couldn’t do it by myself. Another one that is thanks to my adorable cute black-and-white furball Asbo the cat. I was sitting on the edge of the bed and he jumped up sat behind me and decided to throw up a hairball. My brain engaged the way it would’ve done in the past for me to get out the way so I didn’t get covered in cat sick so no sooner had I thought with myself to stand up and move I fell to the floor and quite spectacular fashion, smashed my head against the Chester draws and then sat on the floor crying uncontrollably. Debbie said it was really weird to watch she can get herself to me quick enough so she could do was watch and said it was horrible. 

But I think the biggest thing in all of this is my mood swings. I’m having to learn my brain and how to react to things all over again. It’s like being a toddler and learning how to react in different situations. Sometimes something is hilarious and I will laugh so much that I have tears but then other times I will cry doesn’t necessarily have to be a reason behind it I will just cry. The biggest one, the worst one is anger. As you grow up when things start to annoy you or someone pisses you off you learn how to control that in a manner that’s not offensive. At this moment in time I don’t get those little warning signs. It’s a case of I can be absolutely fine one minute and then something completely trivial Will just get cold in my head and that’s it I’m super angry. Remind Debbie deserves a medal because nine times out of 10 she is the one in the firing line. And that is not fair so my OT has referred me back to the psychologist to that we can get this sorted and I can learn how to control it all again. 

I now belong to a group called headway and these people are amazing. I am part of a group called habit and we meet every fortnight and it’s really nice to be around people that are going through similar to you I know what you’re going through and you don’t feel so isolated. Headway is an amazing organisation and I look forward to being able to pay the favour when I am better.

Part of the reason for me writing this blog was so that I remembered to write down how my day goes because at some point I’m going to be looking back all this and seeing all the minor and major achievements I have had. All the little dramas but I will and I am sure there will be plenty of them. And also so I can show people that there is no such word as can’t. If you got the drive and determination you can do anything. 

So today I draw a line under 2015 and I look forward to success strength and fun in 2016. 

Happy New Year to you all 😜

Back to the real world

  

 
Well it’s the end of another chapter. Danesbury’s No1 patient is leaving. I would like to say a massive thank you to all amazing staff. They are a great bunch of people who do such a fabulous job.

Thank you Abi, Ana, Paul, Kerry, Carla, Adrian, Gary, Abs, Suzie, David, Sharon, Tracy, Geraldine, Janaya, Sandra and everyone I have missed out. THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH xxxx

I am going to miss this place. The staff here are amazing and do such a fantastic job. I will never be able to thank them for the help and support they have given me and my family.

  
The first stop after leaving hospital was a to stop at the pub for a celebratory drink. It’s been a hard journey and it’s not over yet but I’m out of hospital for good now.  

We has also be successful in getting one of the flats when they are completed so that is fantastic and so for the time being we are going to live with Debs parents for the time being. 

Wednesday 19th August

After my home visit on Monday and then walking round the supermarket to get the food for cooking yesterday my leg was aching and I didn’t sleep that well. I got to physio with Dave and asked if he could massage my leg. It’s great he massaged the whole of the right side of my body and it felt really good after. I went back to my room and slept for 2.5 hrs. I felt fully refreshed after. 

I spent the day packing stuff so when Debs arrived later she take it back with her. It’s quite sad to be leaving but I can’t wait to be home with Debs. 

I sat in the day home in the evening and wrote cards for Paul, Ana, all the nurses/health assistants and all the physio/OT teams.

Danesbury weeks 5-7

03/08 Another early start to the week. OT at 08:30 am. Ana decided that we were going to get my shoulder blade working today. It seems to sticking out a bit more than it should. Great as it is the new issue in the process of repairing my body. If only I could have said it was relaxing……..no…….. My shoulder did feel better after. Psychology was good and bad. I admitted that I am scared of leaving here. I know I have to go back into the real world but I am protected in here. I still can’t fully let go in there as I fear I wouldn’t stop. So needless to say I wasn’t in the mood for exercise group but done it away as otherwise I would of just sat and moped over it all. Debs came up to see me in the afternoon and we got in contact with my insurance company I had an accident plan with them. And it wasn’t until debs was explaining the situation that I am in to them that it all hit me. I broke down. I I I was constantly crying I couldn’t stop crying I was a mess but it was bound to happen because even through all of this I haven’t been sad I’ve been quite chirpy all the time and today I crashed. Abby came in and suggested that I go out for a walk. Well I sit in my wheelchair debs pushes me get out of the four walls of the hospital. We did and Tracy the ward clerk was walking home at the same time and ended up pushing me down the hill because Debbie was hilariously scarily bad at it. But it was fun the two of us trying to figure out how to remove a rowhow to move around and I will chair in the wide open big wide world and it put me in a better mood. Abi came in my room later and said she had requested that I see Gill the psychologist again.

04/08 I woke up this morning pretty good. What dressed and went to the breakfast. When and saw Ellen to see how she was getting on. She seem to be doing really well. Washed and dressed herself which is pretty good for 81yrs old and suffered a stroke. When up to the gym to see if the shopping was done for cooking tomorrow. I could feel myself getting upset so hurried myself to the lift. Got in the lift and Ana rushed in behind with Josie. When we got downstairs I couldn’t wait to get in my room and cry. I then set up the iPad and the TV so that I could shut out the world and listen to music. Stayed in my room and of the nurses Adrian came and checked on me and they had a little chat. He is an amazing man I’ve ever think he’s gone through in the operations he is had and he still works in this environment and helps people and it’s really chirpy but that always happy. I stayed in my room until 13:30 when it was time for physio. I changed my shorts for physio as the ones I had on weren’t suitable for the exercise. We worked on some new moves. We started by giving my leg with a good stretch before we worked on my knee and my stepping. Which is coming on ok. My knee is a bit off a challenge as it keeps dropping outwards. My hamstrings are no strong enough so they won’t pull my leg back. Spoke to Gill and she said it was a matter of time before I break down because I’m always so chirpy and laughing and mucking about. He asked me to think about some antidepressants to try and lift me up as I dropped into whole. I said I wasn’t keen on the idea but I would consider it.

05/08

06/08 decided to see Gill and decide on some antidepressants because I have been really really low and I need some little booster to help me out.

07/08

08/08 I am having a day away from this place today. I am excited and scared all at the same time. We are going to look at some new flats that have been built and hopefully be able to get one after the landlord decided to sell our flat. Deb got that bit of good news the day the put me in a coma in Addenbrookes. So I took all the floor plans to look at and decide which to put down as our choices. Debbie took all the paperwork to fill in.

09/08 mum dad Emma and Andrew came and went out for lunch. It was nice but there were so many wasps I panicked as I’m not that mobile to get away if they get angry. 

10/08 

11/08 swapped to a walking stick. OT with Dave. Working on my arm so we got Deb to join to see what I do. Filled in lots of forms.

12/08 Physio with Dave. Paul was on a day off. We were working on my hamstring and hip.

13/08 OT first thing with Ana and the student. I wasn’t digging this morning. I felt so tired. It wasn’t the same kind of session. I worked hard and managed to switch off muscles that were not needed and control others a lot better. Physio. Midnight feast with Abi.

14/08 I got to bed at 01:30am. Woke up at stupid o’clock and had to shuffle myself to get back to sleep. I woke up again at 08:00am. Abi came in to say goodbye. I am going to miss her as she has become a good friend to me over the last six weeks. So we had a hug We had a selfie last night. As I have decided to take photos with some of the staff that have helped me on the journey. I think I might have made a friend………I hope so.  

The morning was slow. Got myself sorted, washed, dressed and had breakfast. Took my coffee and went and thought I would catch up with Ellen.  

We had a good chat about when we leave and had a laugh about a couple of the other women who are in here. Brenda who has been shouting out for Nicola (her daughter we believe). Mavis who have just been walking around with her walking frame……up in the air!!! She went for a shower first thing and we watched her walk off holding her frame, not pushing it.  I had my final pysio session with Paul today as he is off on holiday. It was brilliant I’m so glad that I had him. We got on really well. I forgot to have a selfie with him.

15/08

16/08

17/08 Was awake at 06:00am as I am not sleeping very well at the moment. I have my home visit this morning. Janaya came in and sat done with me for a little while after everyone was in bed. So we had a catchup as she isn’t working working again before I leave. Then Sunday called her over to the nurses station and told to her she she shouldn’t be talking to the patients and do some work. When we came back in to tell me I kept her a bit longer by having a selfie with her. Janaya then said to me friends on FB and send the picture. I think I was 01:00am again before I was asleep.

18/08 I was awake at 05:30am. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I am struggling to sleep as I am nervous about going home. I hadn’t thought about it and hadn’t put the two together. I hadn’t thought that my sleep was being effected by my apprehension about going home. It wasn’t until I thought back over everytime I moved hospital and the unknown and the lack of sleep I had that I realised what going in with my mental state. So the was a fun realisation this morning.  

Once I had figured out all of that I thought I would thy and go back to sleep but that was not to be. David was awake!! They had got him up and up him in the day room. That was a brilliant idea!! NOT!!!! Because he has become so demanding he hits the buzzer constantly. So needless to say there was the constant noise of the buzzer going of and then because no one was coming he then decided to shout at the top of his voice. So there was no chance of me going back to sleep. Instead I ended up shouting at David to shut up. Not that it done any good as it didn’t shut him up but it make me feel better even if it was only for a few seconds. 

I cooked again with the help of Ana. Carla joined us and David joined us for dessert.

Ana came and said goodbye today. Will miss her too and hopefully I will have a friend in her too. She is a crazy lady. She has helped my so much.

Danesbury weeks 3&4

20/07 my physio/ot is back to normal. Paul is back from sick. Ana is back from hols. Two 1hr OT sessions to create the saboflex for my hand.  

 This is to help get my fingers to speak out instead of being a clenched fist. Kerry came and put my hair in platts.

21/07. physio am got the crutch. Ot pm using the saboflex to pick balls up. Ana told be to stop as I had knackered myself and was shaking. I couldn’t feel it. Diane watched to see it could like out of session times. Rick came up

22/07 ot in am with little Kerry. Physio pm muscle working followed by more walking. Mum and dad came up and spoke to Ana about my progress.

23/07 physio am with Paul and Dave to improve my walk. Ot in the day room as gym was full. It is such hard work.

24/07 Ot am with Ana. Had in room as needed to talk about when I leave and have a bit of a laugh. Then got told off and had to concent. Physio pm with Paul and Sarah. Now I can walk Sarah in helping Paul decide on lots of leg excerises for me to do to strengthen it. It is doing to be hard. 

25/07 I drew the short straw this weekend as both Ana & Paul are on this weekend. Reece came up to see me. I had physio at 14:30 and my legs were hurting. I had more exercise to do and my legs don’t know that has it them. Used the exercise bike for the first time and it is weird but it will be good in the long run. Just me rest of day. Deb got all dressed up a company night out. She looked wonderful at never seen her like that.

26/07 Had a shower at by myself no help and got my bra on my myself. Physio at 09:30 am on a Sunday……..how mean and crazy. In was nice and quiet though. Working on my stepping and getting my brain too remember how to use my knee, hamstring and to bend. Ot in the afternoon. Ana had decided on more exercises for me to do. When through them and some that she thought I would cheat at or couldn’t do at the moment were taken out. Worked on my arm and helping my shoulder to have better movement. Explained about bra this morning and Ana said of a another way to try. This involved her putting on my sport bra. I laughed as I watched her trying to get it off, letting her fight for a couple of minutes before showing her the simple way to take it of. Should of left her a bit longer as payback for all the new exercises, I think that would of been fair. Asked if I would be interested in staying here longer and I said yes as the more I can get the better recovery chance I have. 

27/07 Getting myself breakfast in the morning. Tried Ana’s way of getting on a bra and it worked. Another 09:30 physio session…….really……..I think I need to have words with that boy. Leg exercise again. My legs are sort of getting used to it all. Paul asked me it I would be interested in an extra week here. Of course!!! 11:30 exercise group a new session they had created. You can play skittles, throw beanbags at a target, throw in a net and use the exercise bike. It’s ok not too bad for a starting point for starters. Tried to sort out my accident insurance but my head couldn’t take the pressure so got upset and then called Deb which was out of order, I could have waited until she got here to the evening. I had Kerry for OT today and it wasn’t very good at all. My arm was hurting. I didn’t like Dave getting involved. Had a little cry at Abs when I got back to my room. I didn’t like it. Abs and me had a competition to guess ages. Diane came up. Kerry came and sorted my hair. 

28/07 OT today is for me to cook a snack. I decided on bacon and Brie baguette, as I haven’t had bacon in so long. Sacked Ana as she did not get baguettes she could only get rolls. Ana didn’t even get rolls that were already cut. I could do it so that was her job. I kept two for lunch. Ana a one as a second breakfast and one was left for Dave after my silly episode yesterday, which Ana did ask me about. She kinda put me in my place. Psychology at 11:30. Wasn’t too bad. I have new coping mechanisms to deal with situations. I still blow up but am trying to limit the damage I cause. Hopefully get myself finally to the point that I don’t cause damage and will be more rational. Physio this afternoon and checked that I can get in and out of the day. I managed to do it and Paul was happy with that. My right knee in very stiff so we worked on that and some standing. I was able to show Deb the progress in action. At the end of the session Paul said how both him and Ana will be fighting my corner to try and get me an extra week here. Debs was told by the estate agent that if we want stay in the flat we could. So Ana and Deb met with Paul who told them that I cannot walk up stairs so staying in the flat is not an option for us. Debs and myself taking photos. This is one of the better ones.

  
29/07 I HAVE THE MORNING OFF!! I haven’t been given any sessions this morning. Had a shower this morning. A dummy run for my wash & dress session tomorrow. Made myself breakfast and then went back to my room and done my exercises. The afternoon I had another cooking session and this time it was chicken and bacon pasta bake. Started with Ana and Kerry was running late. When Kerry did join us and I started cooking I think I managed to scare her the way I was acting. They have a induction hob and I took the pan off the hob and told Kerry to put her hand on it as it was perfectly safe. She didn’t believe me. Kerry cut the broccoli and then all ingredients were thrown into a dish and put in the oven. Kerry didn’t believe it was going to work, because I didn’t boil the pasta first. Got it out of the oven and everything was fine. Smelt lovely. Review meeting this afternoon with everyone. Gill came to see me and explain that the wouldn’t be at the meeting but was contacting the powers that be to request that I stay a week longer.  

My review…….so here goes. From Paul point of view he was happy with progress that I have made so far. Happy with the car transfer, so that is another box ticked. If means that I can go out places, rather that being trapped inside all the time. So I’ll have problems with my knee and hip that we are going to focus. Also Ana is please with my progress and now we need to peel back the layers and look deeper into my arm. (Take info from minutes). 

Deb came into the kitchen and had some pasta bake with me. It was lovely in I do say so myself. We actually had two portions each. There was enough left over for Kerry and Ana to have some too. Deb has to get back to work as she was only here for the meeting. Before she left she gave me another clothing to sort out. This time it was all my underwear and I didn’t know I had so many knickers!! I chucked 2/3 of them away. 

1st day at Danesbury 

03/07 TODAY IN THE DAY I LEAVE THIS PLACE. 3 DAYS OF HELL ARE OVER. I have to be up at 7am to get myself ready. Jade the physio assistant came into my room and asked my to write to her with an update of how I was getting on. I arrived at Danesbury at 10:00am. Checked out my new room. I am sharing with a old woman called . I had two women armed with a wheelchair come into my room who looked official. I knew that they were to do with my exercise. Sarah was the Physio and Ana was the OT. They got me in to the wheelchair and took my to the Gym to give me a assessment to see what my capabilities are. That was ok I. I did get a but worried and nervous but it was ok in the end. I then got wheeled to the dinning room for lunch. That wasn’t fun. Kind of put in a situation that I no control over. I have to remember I don’t have complete control everything. Mum and Diane came up to have a nose about, and see what it was all about. I had a nurse called Adrian he seems nice. Another health worker called Abdul and he is a crazy funny man who had taken the piss out of me since I have arrived

Plan

Overtime I am hoping that I can get friends that came to visit me and also members of my family to write how they’ve seen things from their eyes.

Don’t get me wrong sometimes I will write things on here and they will be funny (or they might just be funny to me) and sometimes they will be dark because I will try and write this as honestly as possible.