My mental struggle at the moment

Hi folks,

My sleep is getting shocking. Sat night into Sunday I got 4hrs sleep and then was wide awake at 3:30am with ringing in my ears. You know what it’s like at that time of the morning, the flat is deadly quiet so the ringing in my ears was in surround sound! I’m averaging 4-5hrs a night! So my brain isn’t getting the rest it needs. I think I’m going mad………………..or I will end up going mad, be put in a round cell and told to sit in the corner!!

I’m driving my partner nuts with worries everyday. My anxiety and fear are at an all time high. So now I’m trying my hardest to deal with it better by myself and take the pressure away from her (I’m sure there are carers out there there understand that part) as I sound like a broken record, and I don’t want make her snap.

She has enough on her plate at the moment with some sad new of a family member, a work colleague and an old school friend, so I’m trying to be stronger and supportive of her but I don’t think I’m doing very well.

When I’m in this place in my head/body I feel very isolated. I feel like I’m not worth being around as I’m just full of fears, worry and have nothing to positive to say, so I’m very quiet. I don’t feel like people want to be around me so I don’t make the effort to go out. Although my face is smiling inside I’m eating away at myself and crying. It’s so frustrating how mental health can trap you. How it can restrict you and limit you. Make you feel alone. Make you feel like you’re not worth anyone’s time. How although on the outside the shell in the same, on the inside it’s all trying to keep together with the help of glue, sellotape and stickyback plastic like a Blue Peter “here’s one I made earlier ” project.

I’m sure a lot of people out there can relate to what I have written. Especially people that have been through a traumatic experience. When your own mortality is highlighted (Not the best description but I can’t think how else to explain it)


We are all beautiful in our own special way! Imaging how boring life would be if we were all the same 😳

Have a beautiful day ❤️

Laters ❤️

My chaos

Hi folks,

Apologies for no blog lately but it’s been a difficult time.

So I survived my 1st month placement at the gym. The staff there who I’ve met are great.

I’m now a month into my gym instructor course. Which again the staff are brilliant, the other students are a good laugh. So I’m enjoying it lots but…………

Since this all began back in Jan I’ve had some weird s*** go on.

Headaches…………over my left eye, behind my ear (either side), top of head, neck pain, higher blood pressure, breathing issues, pins and needles in hands or feet and few others that I’ll leave out. I’m not sleeping properly either. I go to bed then I’m wide awake and the fear eats at me. I literally sit in bed watching videos until I can’t keep my eyes open and fall asleep.

So needless to say my fear and anxiety are through the roof. I believe it a lot of the things mentioned above are due to my anxiety.

If we look at the bigger picture, I haven’t asked so much of my brain in nearly 4yrs.

My routine has all changed again. I think I’ve spoken about how my brain gets really disruptive and difficult when things change suddenly. One of many brain changes since my injury. To be fair I had forgotten about it as I’ve had the same routine for a long time. I didn’t gradually introduce small changes. In fact as I’d been doing pretty well I’d sort of dropped into a I’ve improved so much this new journey is going to be so easy.

So it’s had to from learning to walk again to marathon running and take in lots of information so quickly. Which I don’t think it’s happy about so as a payback this is happening. It’s like a game of poker, it’s saying “I see your career choice and information overload and I raise you fear, anxiety, headaches, high blood pressure and anything else I can think of”!!

I’ve got an appointment this Friday to talk to the doc about all this. So hopefully the will get sorted.

Don’t get me wrong I am finding it hard enough. I’m on the course on the Tuesday I sleep literally all of Wednesday, back at the course on the Thursday sleep most of Friday and the weekend. The following week is all study, study, study. The practical side of the course I’m not too bad at but all the written side and remembering names, layers and functions of bones, muscles I’m struggling with. It’s not sinking in.

I haven’t been doing much rehab in fact nothing really, any personal training session with Lee or a class with Fiona since this all started I’m just so tired. I miss it terribly but with the struggle I’m already having with my brain I need as much rest as I can get while doing the course.

I’m am constantly learning with my brain injury. The goal posts never stay in the same place. Nearly 4yrs in and I still never know how my brain is going to react or how tired things make me. It amazes and puzzles me so much everyday.

Right time to attempt some studying.

Laters 💋

Go Fund Me

Hey everyone

Firstly a massive thank you to everyone who has kindly donated to my go fund me page. Thank you so much.

I’ve taken the bold move of deciding to create a go fund me page to raise money for further rehabilitation.

This decision has taken me a long time as I feel embarrassed for asking friends, family and complete strangers for money to help me. I’ve always been the kind person that stands on their own two feet and figures out how to pay for things. I can’t do that anymore and rehabilitation costs aren’t cheap.

I want to be able to give myself the best chance of recovery to the fullest. I don’t want to be looking back in years to come and wondering if if I’d of tried this treatment with my leg be working better or if I tried this treatment would I have more use of my arm.

The biggest hurdle of all of my recovery is cost. It costs a lot.

The bigger picture isn’t just me it’s for me to then be able to go on and help other people in my situation or a similar situation. So that they can have a more independent life and not feel like a burden on friends or family why I do sometimes. To be able to push themselves into gaining more movement in their arm, or their leg or Multiple limbs. Because no one knows what the human body can achieve or what recovery the brain can make.

If you can help at all I’d really appreciate it.

Laters 💋

Gym Voluntary Placement

Hey folks

Shit got real this week.

I don’t know if you remember that I’m on the InstructAbility Gym Instructor course?Well I started my voluntary placement this week. The wheels are turning.

So I went over on Monday and met the Gym manager Chelsie for a little chat and have a look round. It’s quite an amazing gym. Plenty of equipment and very big. So got my uniform ready for starting my 1st shadowing shift on Wednesday.

Met some lovely F.I’s (Fitness Instructors) on the Weds & Fri called Guy, Lucy & Ronnie. Who chatted with me. Shadowed Ronnie giving a induction on the Weds & Lucy giving an induction on the Fri.

I thought that this wouldn’t be too difficult to do but I underestimated the brain power that I have used up and the stress and anxiety that I’ve put myself under.

I think part of that is because I have to create a new routine. Now there are more elements that have to be fitted in. Whereas before i had to fit gym, personal trainer, exercise class, dog walk, physio and rest into a day. Now I have to add 3 x 6hr shifts into this. At the moment as well they aren’t set in stone as to what I am doing which is very frustrating to say the least but hopefully that will all be sorted today/tomorrow.

It’s another learning curve with my thought process too. You see sometimes I see things as very black & white. “It should be done like this so why isn’t it”! Whereas life isn’t black & white. There are plenty of grey areas, and more people in the equation now. Not just myself, Debbie, PT Lee, Headway, and Physio James. My responsibility has changed. So that’s giving me plenty of headaches.

Hopefully things will settle and I’ll get routine.

Let’s see what this week brings………

Laters 💋

Muscle spasm & colds

Hey everyone,

Hope you are well.

So what have I been up to since my last post?

Well I got another bloody cold! 3rd one in 4 months. It seems this has been the lurgy household. After all this time I still can’t get used to how they knock me on my arse! How dysfunctional it makes me. This last cold wouldn’t bloody leave either! But it’s ok as I had my trusty Allens Pine & Honey Syrup. It is herbal and kicks cold & flu’s arse! I’ve had that medicine since I was younger. I rely on it more now as after the sah & stroke I’m not allowed ibuprofen & so it’s hard to find cold & flu meds so I look at herbal alternatives.

So I haven’t been to the gym since New Year’s Eve!! Thanks to the cold and to some new muscle spasms in my back.

I’ve been waking between 3 & 4am for over a week with in my back on my right side near my kidney. It been horrendous! I’ve had to go to bed with a hot water bottle so that when I’m woken with the pain I can shove the bottle there so I can get back to sleep. I thought it might be a kidney infection. I was already booked in with my Doc to talk about my lack of loosing weight so I thought I’ll see him about this too to see what he thought. He believes it’s muscle spasm as it’s higher up than my kidney and thinks it’s because of my walking. So has referred me back to my old friends at Danesbury for some physio as I can’t afford private. I’ve also got to have another bunch of blood tests to check my liver, thyroid, glucose, electrolytes and a few others to see is there is any reason for my struggle to loose weight, even though I walk the dog everyday, am normally in the gym 2-3 times a week and am at slimming world.

I woke up this morning with minute pain in my back for the first time in 6 days. I couldn’t believe it. The only thing I did differently last night was instead of having the hot water bottle on my back I had it on my feet. So maybe keeping my foot warm kept the muscles in my leg relaxed and prevented the pain. I going to try again tonight and see.

Anyway I need to get up.

Laters 💋

Update after my walk yesterday

Hi folks,

So I thought I would give you a bit of an update on my body after my little walk yesterday.

I’m still really chuffed with my achievement yesterday but I don’t think I’ll be forgetting my stick again anytime soon.

A little reminder of my walking challenges………….

I have a drop foot all thanks to the little vasospasm I had after my aneurysm was clipped. I have a inverted right foot. So when I walk my foot goes outside heal, little toe then big toe then flat.

My muscles in my hip aren’t strong so I hitch and swing. In other words instead of my right leg coming through like someone not affected by walking issues use my left hip to hitch my right to swing my foot round so that my toes don’t catch on the ground and so I don’t fall over.

I’ve tried to explain in this pic but not great . Hopefully you have a rough idea of what I mean.

Anyway back to the update on how I am today………

My right foot is sore all down the outside, my knee hurts as it was locking a lot (not good) and my left leg hurts completely from hip all the way down. Having my walking stick takes some of the strain away from my left. As I use it on my left it’s like it doubles the strength on my left leg.

Today is going to be an interesting day. Even just getting out of bed was fun. It’s like my body is sulking. My legs are like children who won’t do as they are told and aren’t going to behave and my brain is like a parent who is stuck on repeat……………and contemplating if it’s too early to start on the wine 😊

Fatigue wise I don’t feel too bad this morning but I’m not sure how much charge there is in the battery. As soon as I start getting grumpy I’m going for a nap.

I’m still pleased with my achievement yesterday but next time I attempt it I’ll will be over a small distance with walking stick there just in case.

Have a great day folks!

Laters 💋

HaPpY nEw YeAr to you all

Happy new year folks!!

Hope you all have a lovely Christmas.

To my fellow brain injury crew I hope the busyness of Christmas and New Year wasn’t too stressful and overwhelming. I hope you found your coping strategies if it was. Please feel free comment anything you found helped you. If it wasn’t an issue for you the please too tell how.

So a new year and new challenges for everyone. I’m sure there might be some of you out there thinking “no just the same old thing. Learning to walk, talk, speak, move my arm, to stand, to keep balance”, the list could go on forever. But………..

Think of it this way. Everything is a new challenge. It might not seem like it to you as you are the ones doing it day after day but it is. I know as I have those thoughts of nothings is getting better I’m just going round in circles. Take some time to reflect of what you have achieved over the last 12months either by yourself or with family and friends. I recommend with family and friends as they will tell you more about your achievements then you notice as you live it everyday. Each and every one of you have achieved. No matter how small you have still achieved something.

Here is a new challenge I had today.

Today I took my dog to the woods for a walk. Nothing different I try to most days. Only today I forgot my walking stick. How did you get to the car then I hear you say. Well it’s only a small hobble from front door to the lift and then lift to the car. I didn’t think anything of it until I was half way to the woods. I looked over and realised the walking stick wasn’t on the passenger side.

Now I was in a pickle as it was about 1hr to sunset. If I turned round and went home to get my stick and I didn’t get the dog out now then it would be too dark and being a sprocker she has lots of energy to burn. So we got to the woods and I decided that we was going to do our usual walk even though I didn’t have my stick. And we BLOODY WELL DID!! It took longer than normal, I was hitching more that I with the stick and swinging my leg out but I concentrated and focus and achieved it! I’ll pay for it a bit tomorrow in brain fatigue and my right leg not wanting to work, but I will suffer that tomorrow for the achievement I have made today.

Don’t get me wrong my little anxiety demon appeared on one shoulder telling me that I should not bother, I might fall over, how would you get up if you fall over it’s not safe and just go home. Then the courage demon turned up and said try. What’s the worst that could happen? So you might fall over and cry like a baby through the shock, so big deal. You will figure out how to get up again just like you have done every other time. For once the courage demon was a lot stronger that the anxiety demon. I done it! Like I said I will suffer tomorrow but the success today will always out weigh the pain.

If you had asked me last January what I would be in 12 months I would never have said or thought I would be about to embark on a new career in fitness!!

I am going to become a disabled gym instructor through a programme called InstructAbility. I have my physio James, my pt Lee and my exercise class instructor Fiona to thank for pushing me in that direction. With the support of them, my partner and family I have the confidence to achieve this.

Over the last few months there has been a positive change in my mental state. Something that I never thought was going to happen anytime soon. But it has and I’ve turned a corner.

Right I need to sleep. I started writing this at 9:30pm and it’s now 11pm.

Again happy new year to you all.

Laters 💋