I’m still learning what has changed in the hard wiring of my brain.
My emotions are all over the place. Situations affect me differently now. For example if I was going to a meeting, going to a new destination, had an assessment or waiting on news, Claire v1.0 would put it to one side and function normally. Whereas Claire v2.0 malfunctions, concentration struggles, stutter takes over, the vocabulary I do have fuck off out the window, I randomly cry and fear hugs me so tight. In the next breath it’s all stored away and some kind of normality resumes. Then it repeats itself.
It’s so frustrating when it malfunctions. Because I then become frustrated even more. A simple task, whether it’s one that I achieved six months ago, four weeks ago, last week or yesterday, I all of a sudden can’t do. It’s like the little people controlling that certain area at that time hit the fuck it button and then literally fucked off!! Then because they hit the button another area of little people think ‘well they aren’t working so we aren’t. Hit the button folks we are out of here’
I hate these times. Think of it like a house of cards. Sometimes I can calm myself down, maybe only loose the top few. With patients put them back in place and all is good. Other times everything falls to the ground. The house of cards is flat, I’ve got to start from scratch and build that house again.