“Hello darkness my old friend”

Hey folks! 

Sorry I haven’t been very active on here for a while. 

As the title tells you I have been back in a dark place.  

It all started just before Christmas. I went to my doctor as the “happy pills” (hp’s) I had well, I didn’t feel any different on them or off them. So we decided that as I hadn’t been taking them for a week that we would see how I went without any.  Well at the time I was thinking “yes” I’m off the hp’s. Excellent I can do this I don’t need hp’s. I’ve got my mindfulness recording for when times feel a bit tough. I’m sorted. Well how wrong was I!! 

Christmas & New Years were ok as Christmas my parents,my aunt & Deb parents were here. New year Debs bro, sis, bro in law, nephew, great niece & friend granny were here. But then all the party time is gone and reality comes back. Everyone is at work, people’s lives become hectic again. This for me ment becoming best friend with the sofa!

Apart from doing the must do tasks of the day, even those were too hard some days, I didn’t do anything. I cannot even give you any reasons. This is because the reasons my head gave me were so lame that they were forgotten in a millisecond and replaced with the next. Then my head played its trump card that ****ed me! “What if it happens again? Why does it hurt in your scar? What is that pain above your eye? What is the pain in your neck and into the base of your skull? What’s that lump? Why can’t you get your arm up high? So not only am I depressed, I’m now full of anxiety and fear. These guys have set up camp!! They are having a ball!! As for me I’m not sleeping, I’m feeling constantly nauseous, I’m either biting people’s heads off or sitting in a puddle of tears over nothing in particular! Deb is at her wits ends!! I’m really pushing her to her limit! But at the time I had no idea of this, not at all. 

I couldn’t go on like this, we couldn’t go on like this, it’s not healthy. Not for me, Deb, our families or friends. So a doctors appointment was made and Deb left work to come with me.  We sat down with the doctor and went through everything that had been going on. I got new hp’s to help with sleep and referral for more psychology and ptsd counselling. Then on the Weds Sarah from Headway came for a catch up. Deb explained what had been going on and she help me make plans on moving forwards. 

My aunt came down and said that there was a highly recommended therapist back in Suffolk who specialises in ptsd. So wanted to plan me going back there for so sessions. As my head was to strong against mindfulness so we needed to try a different therapy. And we will keep trying until we find the right therapy for me. 

So 4 weeks later I’m a lot better than I was. I’ve also cut out caffeine. Not completely but I’ll be surprised if I have more than three cups of coffee/tea a day now and I drink more water. The headaches don’t exist either. If they do they are gone just as quick as they arrived. I wouldn’t say that I was on the right ones but I definitely need them at the moment. I’m back at the doctor on Monday so we can chat and see where we go from here. I have an assessment for some therapy, I’m waiting on the new neuropsychologist to start at Danesbury so I can have an appointment there, and waiting for the Suffolk chap to contact me. 

Don’t get me wrong it hasn’t all been dark. There have been moments of light. I will do another post of these things. Like we I started the CIMT with James, My hol in Suffolk and Headway talk. The little changes that have happened have been great but with my head full of so many dark clouds I haven’t given it 100%. Even though I’ve been thinking I have.

The biggest wake up of all was seeing how Deb has all the financial weight on her shoulders without having to come home and do all the household tasks as well. If you had asked me 2 years ago about housework I would of said I hate it. Now I get a sense of achievement with it. Knowing that I am taking some of the weight of Deb and that I can do these things. Ok it might not be much but to be that’s a quite a lot. 

Laters 💋