Right you might want to go make yourself a cuppa, or grab yourself a glass of wine, a beer, a I’d & coke, a G&T or just a glass of water as this is a little bit of a long blog entry.
I know I haven’t exactly been good at this whole blog business but I’m going to get better at this. I’m sure there are some of you out there who are thinking ‘hmmmmm blah blah yeah ok Claire I’ll read your next post in a couple of months’! Well ha ha ha noooooooo it’s going to be every week and it will be posted on a wed/thurs. Why…….I hear your brains wonder. Well it’s part of the reason is that to help me (to do with my therapy, I’ll explain in a mo) & also because helping me I’m also helping others out there too who might be able relate to what I ramble on about.
Ok so what has it got to do with my therapy? Well on 8th March I started CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) with a great therapist called Maria. But unfortunately (☹️) it’s coming to and end as I am getting on really well in it and now I need be a big girl and to this all by myself. I’m bricking it a bit but this is where my blog comes in. It replaces my sessions with Maria. So my blog becomes my reflection of how my week has been, good points, bad, it’s everything work out, do things need rearranging to work better. The conversations I would have with Maria I’ll now be having with myself via my blog.
It’s been amazing to do this. When people have said to me in the past about doing CBT I’ve said no. Point blankly said no. I don’t know why but the only thing I thought I need was a bit of psychology like before over at Danesbury. Erm……..wrongo!
It all goes back to the doctors appointment at the end of Jan/beginning of Feb (can’t remember exactly). Debbie sitting there with the doctor and saying that the state I keep living in can’t carry on. The doctor then referred me to the NHS wellbeing team and at the beginning of March I had an assessment and the following week the CBT started.
Don’t get me wrong it’s been very hard to do. With the help of Maria we decided that it was the health anxiety was what we were going to start with. It’s hard sitting there and telling someone and admitting to yourself the behavioural traits you have got into. From examining your body everyday looking for any lump, bump, mark, spot……….the list goes on to having google doctor in your internet favourites. The cognitive side of things from thinking everything it black & white to thinking that everything has the worse outcome. You go on to start challenging your brain. The way you think, the way you react, the irrationality of your brain, the illogical way of your brain. It’s amazing. A few of my tasks were (bear in my this is my explanation of things not the correct terminology. If any of this intrigues you see a pro)………
Treating a moment where I was having a melt down over a pain, a lump, a bump as a court case you are the prosecutor, defendant and the jury. The hardest part of this was thinking that when you I panicked over something for example my leg being swallow and bark red and panicking thinking that’s it I’ve lost all circulation my leg is going to have to be amputated, that the first step being the prosecutor……..what evidence do you have to prove that’s going to happen………that was always the hardest bit. It was easy to defend the fact is was highly unlikely to happen. Then when you read everything you had written down and the jury that was where you went………ok then seriously let’s calm down that’s not going to happen. Case is thrown out! Next……. Don’t get me wrong there was moments of going actually still want that checked out but I wasn’t so irrational with it and calling 111 all the time.
The next I call time out. I love this one. I take myself off for 10mins a day to look out the window of sit in a quiet room and listen/look at what is going on around me. Birds singing, colour of the sky, smells, planes the list goes on but taking yourself out of autopilot and noticing life. Again focusing on that you take the focus away from your anxiety and forget everything else.
Then I have been keeping a diary every week of trying to plan my week. We decided that as the depression side scores were still high that I should keep a diary to get me motivated to doing things and then each week we then review how the week has gone at the session. Then we look at any problems I’ve had any thing I need to move to achieve my goals better. It’s been so helpful and I do have some fear over it all coming to an end. It is helping me so much but all good things come to an end and I have to pull up my big girl pants and do this myself.
So that is where my blog comes in. My blog will now be where I look back at my week to see how I have been doing. What issues there was and what I need to change to keep going in the right direction. There will still random stories to and silly moments too.
Right you out there, well done for reading this and not falling asleep.