“Hello darkness my old friend”

Hey folks! 

Sorry I haven’t been very active on here for a while. 

As the title tells you I have been back in a dark place.  

It all started just before Christmas. I went to my doctor as the “happy pills” (hp’s) I had well, I didn’t feel any different on them or off them. So we decided that as I hadn’t been taking them for a week that we would see how I went without any.  Well at the time I was thinking “yes” I’m off the hp’s. Excellent I can do this I don’t need hp’s. I’ve got my mindfulness recording for when times feel a bit tough. I’m sorted. Well how wrong was I!! 

Christmas & New Years were ok as Christmas my parents,my aunt & Deb parents were here. New year Debs bro, sis, bro in law, nephew, great niece & friend granny were here. But then all the party time is gone and reality comes back. Everyone is at work, people’s lives become hectic again. This for me ment becoming best friend with the sofa!

Apart from doing the must do tasks of the day, even those were too hard some days, I didn’t do anything. I cannot even give you any reasons. This is because the reasons my head gave me were so lame that they were forgotten in a millisecond and replaced with the next. Then my head played its trump card that ****ed me! “What if it happens again? Why does it hurt in your scar? What is that pain above your eye? What is the pain in your neck and into the base of your skull? What’s that lump? Why can’t you get your arm up high? So not only am I depressed, I’m now full of anxiety and fear. These guys have set up camp!! They are having a ball!! As for me I’m not sleeping, I’m feeling constantly nauseous, I’m either biting people’s heads off or sitting in a puddle of tears over nothing in particular! Deb is at her wits ends!! I’m really pushing her to her limit! But at the time I had no idea of this, not at all. 

I couldn’t go on like this, we couldn’t go on like this, it’s not healthy. Not for me, Deb, our families or friends. So a doctors appointment was made and Deb left work to come with me.  We sat down with the doctor and went through everything that had been going on. I got new hp’s to help with sleep and referral for more psychology and ptsd counselling. Then on the Weds Sarah from Headway came for a catch up. Deb explained what had been going on and she help me make plans on moving forwards. 

My aunt came down and said that there was a highly recommended therapist back in Suffolk who specialises in ptsd. So wanted to plan me going back there for so sessions. As my head was to strong against mindfulness so we needed to try a different therapy. And we will keep trying until we find the right therapy for me. 

So 4 weeks later I’m a lot better than I was. I’ve also cut out caffeine. Not completely but I’ll be surprised if I have more than three cups of coffee/tea a day now and I drink more water. The headaches don’t exist either. If they do they are gone just as quick as they arrived. I wouldn’t say that I was on the right ones but I definitely need them at the moment. I’m back at the doctor on Monday so we can chat and see where we go from here. I have an assessment for some therapy, I’m waiting on the new neuropsychologist to start at Danesbury so I can have an appointment there, and waiting for the Suffolk chap to contact me. 

Don’t get me wrong it hasn’t all been dark. There have been moments of light. I will do another post of these things. Like we I started the CIMT with James, My hol in Suffolk and Headway talk. The little changes that have happened have been great but with my head full of so many dark clouds I haven’t given it 100%. Even though I’ve been thinking I have.

The biggest wake up of all was seeing how Deb has all the financial weight on her shoulders without having to come home and do all the household tasks as well. If you had asked me 2 years ago about housework I would of said I hate it. Now I get a sense of achievement with it. Knowing that I am taking some of the weight of Deb and that I can do these things. Ok it might not be much but to be that’s a quite a lot. 

Laters 💋

The first full day

Hey there folks, 

Just a quick note really to say that my first day of full CIMT and it’s hard. Totally energy zapping too. 

I’m feeling proud, frustrated, tired, strong, weak, useless and determined all wrapped up one one. 

Really weird! 

Some of the tasks I’m lucky if I score 2 points and then I know that all it can do now is get better. So by next mon when we change the tasks I know that I will be scoring 8+!!!

Time for some sleep before a new day and scores to beat.

Laters 💋

New year new me blah blah blah

Hey folks are we all fully recovered from the festivities?

I think I am. 

So today after jumping out of my skin when the alarm on my phone went off (my own fault as I forgot I had it set up on there). Then the feed animals, feed me, drink coffee and take pills, I got dressed and took Luna for a walk. 

Who is Luna some of you might be thinking. Ok well Luna is our sprocker spaniel puppy. We have had her 3months now. Luna is a really good companion to me. Keeping me moving and loving. She is helping to remember to have patience,  to keep calm when things don’t go as planned, toget out of the flat for exercise and just to start living more.

Isn’t she beautiful!! I could fill this blog with pics of this sweetie but I won’t. 

So back from the park I decided that I was going to create some kind of plan in place of how to get better use of the day and not watch the day go past. Ok so I’m not going to be able to follow the plan straight away but at least I have something to aim towards. When when I follow the plan then I will upgrade the plan again. 

I’ve realised that I have these ideas but never put them on paper and then stick them up around the home to remind me. So I have this time. I have goals to achieve, to cross off. 

Had a lovely chat with my sis Emma today it was lovely. Another goal idea there try to call once a month for a catch up. 

Had a visit from Anxiety & Stress this evening but after a chat with my aunty I managed to keep them under 60% control. 40% squeezed through. So a good battle was fought there today. 

Overall a good start to this year. Keep the happy thoughts, ideas and determination gong girl. Just remember that if you don’t achieve your plan for the day don’t beat yourself up over it as that is seriously wasted energy. 

Laters 💋

HaPpY NeW YeAr 

Happy new year people.

Hope you all celebrated well. 

So here we are another year over and a new one beginning. 

So how many of you out there have put never drinking again at the top of your new year resolutions?? 

I’m not one for resolutions (as if i was I would have already one of them with scoffing chocolate), but I am going to focus on staying on track. 

It’s been a bit wobbly over the last few months but time for me to control my mind and not the other way round. I haven’t been working as hard as I could have but the big bullies called depression, anxiety & fatigue keeping me company. Fatigue was kind of working with me in a strange way. Depression had some sweets that it liked. All was well and then the new kid on the block Anxiety, who thought it would be great to shake it all up and ruin the harmony. 

Well it’s time Anxiety found a new home this year. Depression well you need to sit up straight and listen and get better control of things. Enjoy life more. Fatigue let’s look at building our strength back up. I know that it going to be hard but come on, look how we were working together in the 6/7 months of last year. Let’s get back to there.

Well I’m going to sit here and think of to watch the horse racing and try and start making a plan (maybe a cheeky bet or 2). 

Laters 💋