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Hey there folks. I’m back and I will be blogging everyday. 

I fell into a dark place. I’m sure there some of you out there who understand what I mean or have supported someone through that dark place.  It all started with me thinking that I firing on all 4cylinders and planning to talk to my doc to lower my dosage of happy pills. 

Then my personality changed. 

I was snapping, getting angry over little things, crying like a baby & I mean hysterically crying.  Turns out that I hadn’t been taking my tablets. For at least 5 days!! Which made me feel bad. So now I have my tablets on the side so in the morning as I make my breakfast I have my tablets at the same time. (Thanks Sarah (headway) for the idea. 

Also Deb has had a bit of a tough time over a several weeks so has been off work. With only getting statutory sick pay Deb was worried about paying all the bills and I couldn’t give the financial support like I would’ve been able to do before my aneurysm. So that knocked my confidence. Feeling useless.

I missed a PT session with Gym James as I had an assessment in the morning all todo with my ESA payments. I got there for my appointment at 9:30am and wasn’t seen until 12:30pm!!! One unhappy bunny!! 

I then missed a physio appointment with Physio James. We had made it earlier as James was going away. So I was annoyed with myself as I forgot to alter it in on my diary on my phone. James was fine and said he knew it was out of character for me and we arranged for the following Monday. 

Apart from physio I don’t have anything else to go to at the mo. I’m still waiting for my review at danesbury after upper limb group which finished back in June!! It really pisses me off because unless I get in contact with them I don’t get my physio. I haven’t had any nhs physio since April/May time. WTF!!  I feel like I’ve been forgotten. Or they aren’t really too bothered about me! So then I fall into the what is the point of all this. Fuck it all!!

Then the final thing was after going for a walk with Deb along the river on the Tuesday 26th in the evening and after getting the train back to Hoddesdon I decided that it would be better for me to walk up the ramp instead of climbing the steps……….FAIL BIG FAIL!! I tripped, on nothing just uneven ground, crashing to the ground like a sack of shit. Grazing my shin on my left leg and because I don’t have the strength or control in my right shoulder my right hand crashed knuckle side down and taking some quite big chunks out of them!! So once back on my feet again we went to the pub as we don’t really have any first aid stuff at home. When we got in there a little girl called Terri came over and helped clean my wounds and even bandaged my fingers up. So thank you so much for your help that night Terri. 

So my fingers and hand are back to almost normal and not swollen anymore and I am back at physio tomorrow.  

Sometimes on days that I have physio I think I will vloggs so that you can get a better visual idea of what goes on.  Instead of my stick drawings. 

So that’s all the rubbish bits but there has been some fun times too. That’s the next entry in the blog.

Now back Rio 2016. Is it wrong to try and stay awake to watch the ladies volleyball??? Hmmmmm maybe I’ll record it instead?? We will see.

Laters 💋

Soooooooooo I had my physio again on Friday with the lovely James. 

So we started with a catch up of how the week had been. My week hadn’t been very productive but I only have myself to blame! James explained that he wanted to focus more on my shoulder today. To get more free movement so it’s not so stiff. We started with with a few cup stacking exercises, which I would give a score of 7/10. I’ve done better. Then it was picking up the small bouncy balls with finger & thumb. Well gold ⭐️ star for me. Picked them all up correctly. All controlled movement! Wooooohooooooo!!! James was very pleased.

Then it was time to work on the shoulder!! All the pain there was last week wasn’t there this week. So it paid off big time! This week there wasn’t pain it was just uncomfortable. So as the saying goes no pain no gain is damn right. Even James said that my shoulder felt different. He says that we broke that back of it last week and now it will just get better and better. It’s felt different that for sure. With some manipulation from James I was able to get my arm above my head and out to the side while lying down on my back.

James then got me to lie on my left side so I could use only my right side. So with my arm along my side I then had to left my arm up. Here we added in pulling my deltoid into place. So I was pulling my shoulder back before I started to lift my arm. What a difference that made! I felt like I was lifting and moving my arm from my shoulder, my neck muscles weren’t getting as involved as much. Then I had to keep my arm in the air and not allow it to move at all or very little. That was hard the concentration to keep control of muscles.   James then had me bend my arm at the elbow (obvious I know) then keeping my elbow tight against my side lift my forearm up, again while keeping control of my shoulder blade. It still amazes me the amount of effort and concentration that I need to do these things.

I don’t know if you will  understand what I mean. Perhaps photos would be better. 

Afterwards James got me to stand up facing the wall and to reach up the wall as high as I could. There was a significant improvement. I don’t mean I could touch the roof but it was an improvement on what I was able to do at the start of the session.

We finished the session with a new game. Putting the pegs on the cup. This was frustrating. I wasn’t very good at this. Here I have a smaller area to get hold of unlike the bouncing balls. Now we are looking at the movement in my wrist to help  with control to grip and pick up things. 

So my homework this week is to practice the arm moves and the pegs. Repeat & control, repeat & control.

Laters 💋

Hey folks…..

I had physio on Friday with James. It hurt this week. We started off with the manipulation work first. So I was kind of prepared for it I knew what was coming. Except I didn’t as James was chatting away to me trying to distract me and then BOOM he started to manipulate my elbow!! I did swear! Quite a lot in my head as the people in the shop next door would’ve thought it was some kind of torture! Deep breathing like an expectant mother! James is always very conscious of how I am and always making sure that I am OK as he goes. At least I know that the feeling in my forearm is coming back. Then James moved onto the shoulder, it doesn’t matter how much I prepare myself I still don’t like it, pushing into my shoulder joint, this is to help with stiffness in the joint. Then for an extra dose of fun with his thumb James pushed deep into the shoulder. We do laugh about it as we go. Afterwards he got me to do some movements while lying down and the difference was amazing. 

We then worked on stacking the cups again but this time instead of seeing how many I could stack in 30secs, now it was stacking them by holding them with the pads of my fingers. 

Then I had to stack them them by picking them up in a crane movement.

Do you like my simple drawings? 

I then had to do the same pincer movement with the finger & thumb to pick up the small bouncy balls, 

Again it was not how many I could do in 30secs it was all about the correct movement. It’s about gaining control of the muscles in my hand especially my index finger and thumb, that is where the biggest resistance is. I also have to try and be more relaxed in my shoulder so that the movement isn’t so stiff and wooden. 

It was finished off with rolling a 2kg medicine ball along the plinth and concentrating on just rolling with my hand and not my whole arm as the would be cheating!

I’m still using the Bioness machine and now I’m trying to be more conscious of using my right hand for opening doors, cupboards, wiping done the work tops and carrying things, pulling it more and more into everyday life again. It’s was hard work but I can notice changes now. Let’s see what the Friday brings.

Laters 💋

Hey folks the last few days have been a limb v brain battle!! So far the limbs are putting up a great defence, a bit like Albania did for 89 mins against France in the euros tonight (Albania were so unlucky they deserved at least a point from the match). So I get which ever limb into position to start an exercise, then run through the exercise using my left side to feel which muscles are moving, then change to start using the right and bang I’m up against a barrier of riot police stopping my signals getting through. I will get things going otherwise it will be another manipulation session with Physio James on Friday.

I had an appointment with Angus the psychologist today. It was part two of the initial assessment. So just have to wait now for my letter with the dates with appointments. It’s been really helpful to me in getting an understanding of what has gone on in the last 12months, understanding the changes in emotion. I look forward making more sense as I go.

Laters 💋

So let’s have a round up of this past week.

 The bad bits……..Well I have been concentrating so much my arm and hand that I have neglected my leg. So I’m trying to get back into a routine everyday of doing exercise & stretches before I’m out of bed. I need to force myself I’ve got lazy. I only managed the gym once last week. No pt session with Gym James. Bad Egg!! 

The good bits…….Went back to Addenbrookes on weds 8th and had one of the doctors who treated me explain in depth what was done to me and why while I was in critical care. Wow!! I’m still processing it all at the moment. There is a lot to take in.  That is it now. No more appointments at Addenbrookes for me. The chapter is closed. Physio James was really impressed with the improvement in my hand in a week. As was I!! So James is happy for me to keep hold of the Bioness machine until further notice/needs it for another patient. Win!! 

Hobbit & Veg came up Sat as a little get together for their birthday. Deb is the 6th & Veg is the 7th. So we had a little bbq, made some punch and chatted shit like we normally do (Until rain stopped play outside)! Hobbit brought up her decks and had a mix. A bit of a trance/house bash. Hobbit was having a practice as she has a gig coming up. I want to get back into it one day and then maybe the two of up can do a b2b gig………one day if I ever get to her level. 

Finally…….I need to be more focused. I just don’t know how to. I keep saying I’m going to do this, or that but actually don’t or only attempt it 50%. I need to sit down and have a serious talk with myself. 

Laters 💋

So what have I been up to the last few days??
Sat 4th I got up and Skype with my aunty Diane in Australia, telling her about my Physio and the new machine i get to use for the week. It was nice to catch up with her.There is a big storm there at the mo.
Got my robo arm out and put it on. It’s such a strange sensation that those points on your forearm and the point on palm can trigger all of your fingers to move. It’s crazy technology that has amazing results.
Got bus into Harlow (not with the robo arm still on I left that at home so I didn’t damage it in anyway). I went looking round the £1 shops for some plastic cups so I could practice what I done at Physio with James yesterday. I always look like I’m attempting to shop lift because I can’t carry a basket so I have to put everything in my bag then empty it out at the till. So get some strange looks. Debs sister Sarah picked me up from town and took my back to theirs for a BBQ!! WIN!! I got to spend some time with the beautiful great nieces Erin & Jess. They are such little characters now. Growing up so fast.

Sunday 5th was a day of sleep. I was a bit cranky and tired. I did go out for a bit & used my robo arm for a bit then I then slept from 3pm until 9pm. 

Monday 6th HaPpY BiRtHdAy to my amazing partner Deb & also HaPpY BiRtHdAy to granny too out there in the sunshine of Lanzarote. A holiday Deb has needed for ages. Deb called me this evening telling me all about their day and the adventures of the trip. It was lovely to hear her voice. Full of excitement and happiness. ❤️

I also had HaBit group this morning. It was a quiet one this week but it was a good laugh as usual. Had a catch up with Hobbit this evening which is always entertaining. Hobbit & Veg are great friends. Infact they are family. *starts singing We Are Family I’ve got all my lesbos with me*. Also caught up with my Suffolk best friend Goerge (Laura). We had a good catch up and planned for her to come with Molly & Daisy in the school holidays. A weekday break as the weekends are filling up quick and we can spend a bit longer the a rushed 24-48hrs together. That will be awesome.

Tues 7th I got up at stupid o’clock this morning thanks to the furball that is Asbo. Had a bit of a tidy up as Deb comes home today. Went and had a session in the gym. Didn’t do too much as I had upper limb group later but pushed myself on the bike. 

Daddy Makewell took me to Upper limb group. This was the session I dislike today. It was sensory. I load of items to put on the table and then with our eyes shut we were given an item that we had to figure out what it was through feel I don’t do very well at all with this as I have little feeling in my fingers. 

Back to the Makewell household for tea. Chicken & salad yummy. Perfect food for such a hot day. 

Deb is home!!! YAY!! She finally arrived home at 7pm. I’m a happy bunny now. 

So I have managed to survive 5days it shows how far I have come in a year and how now Deb & I can concentrate on being girlfriends again and her not having to be my carer. Don’t get me wrong I’m far from recovered, I still need help with things but I’m a lot more independent now.

Laters 💋

Well it’s me, myself & Asbo (who has got himself comfy on the bed & farted!!). Smelly furball!!

Deb is on the sun kissed island of Lanzarote with her best friend Granny for a long weekend getaway. Before there is wide spread panic I’m not alone miles from anyone, left fending for myself. No no noooooo Deb’s parents live around the corner and friends and family are at the end of phone. It’s going to be good for us both. If you are a full time carer of your partner then it’s only right that get a break every so often. For your own sanity, and Deb has had a lot to deal with from me over this past year. (+ she was meant to go to Jamaica last year with granny but I had my brain fart and ballsed that one up)!!

So was back in the gym on weds for a pt session with GJ. Wow he worked me hard. My legs felt it. So did my right arm. It felt good to be back in the gym. All the feel good factor of exercise is coming back.

Deb got all packed and sorted and headed to grannies. I had a few tears as I’m a big baby and I will miss her. I bet she was all excited, busting some moves and singing at the top of her voice in the car as she drove to grannies. 

It took me a while to get to sleep, the flat seemed so quiet. Even Asbo wasn’t any noise.

Friday morning woke up and thought mmmmmm a nice cup of tea to start the day. Then remembered that I had blood tests this morning and had to fast for them = grumpy Claire. Glass of water it is then.  So was talking to The hobbit and my aunty in oz then jumped in the shower. After the shower, literally as I got out our niece Becs video called me. I sent her a message to say I’ll get dressed and call her back. The little munchkin that in Erin wanted to say hi, awwwww. (I’m still taking deck stain with hobbit at this point. Oh how the important things in life change as you get older). So all dressed time to call Becs back, no answer. Then have a missed video call from Deb sister Sarah. So call her back while trying to feed our own child who is now getting under my feet and meowing at a whole new decibel. So have a chat with Sarah and see Jess then it’s time to see Dracula and loose some blood.

David picks me up and drive me to the docs. Blood taken and then it’s back to the in-laws for a cup of tea and a bacon sarnie WIN!! Then we are off to Welwyn to take the saebo glove back to Glyn. Glyn wasn’t there but I left with the front desk like he told me to. Then back to do a bit of shopping. David dropped me off and I had some lunch. Finger food so I can practice using my right hand. 

Back in the car again and off to my 1st physio session with physio James. He started manipulating my hand and stretching the muscles. After some this I started to practice picking up and stacking beakers. I had to focus on getting my hand, especially my thumb as open as possible to stack the beakers. This was then a challenge for me to see how many I could stack in 30secs. So I between rests, discussions on how each attempt went and some hand manipulation from James I was quite consistent managing 4,5 or 6 stacks depending on good a movement I got. From stacking we moved on to small bouncy balls. Again some hand manipulation and some practice, then it was the 30sec challenge again. This was a lot harder as I was picking up a smaller object with no straight edge. Again inbetween each attempt we would discuss how each attempt went. It was fun.

Roboclaire is here. I have a new toy to try for a week. James thinks this will be good and help a lot. It’s from a company called Bioness. www.bioness.com It’s amazing it’s nerve stimulation for my hand. It pinpoints areas all down my for arm, wrist and the bumpy bit in your thumb help move them into he right place so you can pick things up. It’s brilliant I can’t wait to use this all week. So James showed me how to put it on and set it all up. It’s such a weird but good feeling.lets see what this baby can do.

I’m knackered though all that concentration takes the energy out of me. 

Laters 💋

I must get out of this rut.

I haven’t been good lately. Been in a lull. But I’m not perfect everyday……who is. Now it’s time to get this machine in gear and drive!!!

I have private physio starting on Friday with James (Physio James (PJ), thanks to the generosity of my grandad Bob. This wouldn’t be possible without his help so BOOM!! Let’s do this!!

I’m in the second week of upper limb group for my hand. I just have to be more conscious when I do things and see how much I can do with my right. Push the connectors back into place……..or a bit of rewiring. 

Get back in the gym…….get James (gym James (GJ) to shout at me. Get back into a routine. Go at least 3 times a week + a personal training session!! 

Get CogMed completed. How long have I been doing it now? There are only 10 days of trading left……come on sort it out!!

Join slimming world and shift the unwanted extra weight I’m carrying. Which will help the rehab. 

Time to get a better understanding and control of my energy levels.

Get full use of the day. No more procrastination!

Laters 💋

Sat 21st we got ourselves sorted this morning and headed back to Suffolk. Tomorrow will be my parents Ruby Wedding anniversary so we are going back to celebrate it.

A couple of months ago I was chatting with my sister Emma and said how we should do something for mum & dad to celebrate the fact that they had survived 40 years of marriage (and there have been some tough times) and hadn’t killed each other. So apart from saying we should do this and speaking with Tina at the home guard social club where our parents drink, and conspiring with Julie from mums darts team that is all the credit I can take. 100% of the organisation of it all goes to Emma. Emma designed and printed the invites, sorted the cake, balloons, the meal, the menus, the lot. We squabble but I wouldn’t be without her. I’m lucky and proud that she is my sister.

So we are at the parents and time to get ready and get to the butchers arms for dinner. Emma and I have an extra surprise for mum & dad as they think that it’s only us that are going for the meal (parents, Emma, Andrew, Nathan, Maddie, Deb & myself). There will also be Aunty Jayne & uncle Chris (dad sis & hubby), Judy & Dicko (mum cousin & hubby) & Julie & Richard (the youngest bridesmaid at the wedding, Judy youngest daughter & hubby). So there was 14 of us and it was lovely. The food was fantastic and the portion sizes were huge. It was a great atmosphere and a good laugh. 

From there we went back to the home guard were Judy, Dicko, Julie & Richard joined us and the darts girls were waiting, also Danny & Alison, Sally & Peter, Laura (George), Christine, to name just a few (short term memory fart). The cake was up there so they cut that & handed out slices to everyone. I say everyone but I didn’t get a bit I had to wait until Sunday!! It was lovely to chat to faces that I hadn’t need in such a long time. 

I think our parents enjoyed themselves. Top marks to my sister for keeping it all a secret and not letting anything slip when speaking to mum. Mum is like Pirot it’s hard to keep things from her. Well done sis.

Sun 22nd a relaxing morning had by all. Bacon & egg sarnies…win!! Popped up to see Emma, Andrew & the kids. Mum came up & forgot to bring cake so we sent Nathan down to get cake while Emma made coffee. Finally I got some cake……yummy!! 

So it was time to leave but before we left Suffolk we pooped in and saw Laura(George), Martin, Molly, Abi & the cheeky monkey that is little Daisy. Oh and not forgetting the four legged craze ball that is buddy the lab. It was lovely to spend time with them all. We also got a date in the diary for them to visit. Awesomeness!!! 

Laters 💋

Morning folks.

Wednesday 18th May

Sarah (Headway) picked me up at 10:30am and we went to cheshunt to speak to someone called Peter about me maybe doing some voluntary work.  It’s like the nest step in Headway for me to help me on my path to eventual return to work one day.  So there is plenty for me to look at right now.

From there we went over to Welwyn Garden City to the Saebo centre. There we met with Glyn. Finally after following him on Twitter for a long while. He is fantastic bloke. Funny and puts you at ease straight away. I messed up all his measurements as I should have been a medium glove-medium brace, but no not Claire 2.0. Because of my skinny fingers a small glove was a better fit……sorry Glyn 😊 

So I have a trial period with the glove and then we decide if it will be beneficial in the long run. Glyn was very pleased with the range of movement I already had. It’s just my index finger and thumb that need a little bit of encouragement as to where they should be.

Thursday 19th May 2016 (1 Year)

Well it’s a year since Claire 2.0 was created. A whole year since my aneurysm! Well it will be at around 15:30 this afternoon!! Crazy! So thank you brain & body for fighting and not giving up!!! I will return the favour by pushing myself harder than ever. 
So I started that off with a PT session with James in the Gym. 1hrs of hell……..felt good at the end……..because it was over!! He worked me hard and challenged my core. It was a good distraction, even if it was only for a short time. Came home and sorted through some music as music is always a good distraction. 

Deb called to see how I was doing, she said it felt a wierd day to her. I try to imagine what it must have been like from her side, and I can’t. I guess unless you are in that situation you don’t know how you would act so you can’t even begin to understand what she went through. Or even what all our family and close friends we feeling. From my side I was fine 1min and in intense pain the next. Then the next few days it’s like a silent movie, or like watching a TV with bad reception and every so often the sound comes back for a minute or so then it’s gone again. I have very little memory of my behaviour or actions and then it all got worse and I remember very little, if anything.

Yildiz came round after her meeting at PCL, where see saw Deb who reminded her that it had been a year. I case I haven’t said before Yildiz was my boss when all this happened. She was on hol in Egypt when it happened. So she came round and brought snacks. So we sat here and chatted shit for a couple of hours. She brought Deb a basil plant and a bottle of wine.

Deb got home from work and we went for dinner. To celebrate life. 

We had a lovely Italian meal. Talking about how far we have come in the last 12 months. It was beautiful the two of us. After we stopped in at Deb parents for a catch up before heading home to chill and then bed.

Friday 20th May 

I got up early with Deb this morning as I have an appointment with Angus the psychiatrist this morning back at Danesbury at 09:30am. So Deb will drop me off and then pick me up later. 

Well that was eventful. It was good to talk to someone independent of family and close friends as there is no opinion given just guidance for help you make sense of everything. The 90mins went so quickly. I felt quite good at the end.  I would like Deb to come next time so that he can get an understanding of Claire 1.0 and the changes that have made Claire 2.0. When I told Deb in the car she said she would come next time. 

Deb dropped me in Hertford and went back to work. I had a mooch around and then headed back to Hoddesdon. 

I thought I was ok after the session this morning but I wasn’t so I was in bed by 21:30. Knackered.

Laters 💋